Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
