Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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