god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
