guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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