Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
