I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
