remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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