It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
