Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
