The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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