Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Randomize
