I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!