The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling