I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.