I'm laying in your front yard are you home
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
23 Annoying things Girls Do When They’re Trying To Be Cute
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.