That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me