I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
