You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
