Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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