i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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