Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
