I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
