I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
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He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
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we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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