just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
