HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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