Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
