yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
