take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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