Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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