I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Randomize
