just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
