Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
