Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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