We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
