Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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