Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
