I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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