I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
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Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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