I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
4 words: hood of his car
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I need to calm my uterus...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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