A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
