The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
i think my cat just said my name.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
