Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
