I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
