So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
