I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You took a bar mat shot.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
