Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My dick has a subreddit
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
