I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
