I wish I only lived at night.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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