Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I am morally bankrupt
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
