just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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