I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
