I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
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I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
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I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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