Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
