You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
