i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
