just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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