Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can't put those talents on a resume
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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