The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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