I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
