I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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