We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
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I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
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My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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