nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
even my farts smell like vagina
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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