the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
