I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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