My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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