From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
