Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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