i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
