I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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