I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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