why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
