I wish I could teleport
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
