Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
